Ted Cruz is an Undercover Marxist and You Fucking Blew It

Guys.

GUYS.

Enough is enough.  Ted Cruz isn’t the Zodiac Killer.  He’s not the guy from Stryper either (Ted Cruz in a Christian glam metal band?  Too obvious.).  So who IS Ted Cruz?  He clearly can’t be the comic book evil, human rights terrorist he portrays himself to be.  It’s too far-fetched.  I’ve recently come to a shocking revelation.

Ted Cruz is actually Paul Heaton in disguise.

paul and ted
Left: Paul Heaton (Ted Cruz); right: Ted Cruz (Paul Heaton)

Paul Heaton is best known for his work as the lead vocalist for Marxist jangle pop group, the Housemartins.  Now don’t you, my fellow liberal, feel silly?  If we had just taken advantage of the illogical, contrarian, “crew up” mentality of the human race and made it clear that we hated Ted Cruz more than Donald Trump, we could’ve pulled the greatest political prank of our lifetime.  Imagine: a Marxist as the presidential nominee of the Republican party.  Paul Heaton reveals himself in front of the RNC, every nut in the building with a look of horror affixed to their visage as androgynous, dulcet, British tones pour out of Paul Heaton’s face as he eloquently says, “I am the wrecking ball that will crash into the skyscraper of capitalism.  How’s that for development?”.  Imagine swathes of conservatives cringing as they check the box next to Hillary’s name.

But we blew it.  We fucking blew it.  Election ’16 will instead be contested between an orange peel a witch cast a spell on, and the witch who cast the spell.  So what can we do?

Me?  I’m going to write in “Nobody” and watch Ted/Paul dance:

 

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